"Twilight" for Guys (Kinda)

Most of the guys I know will probably avoid "Twilight" simply because, well, it's a girl thing. I hadn't planned on seeing it, but wound up being offered a ticket when someone backed out of a Friday night Arclight outing. I have to admit that I was a bit curious, particularly since Brill was bitten by the bug several months ago. I've been mocking the series the whole time and figured it might be worth braving hordes of squealing lovestruck teenie girls to arm myself with ammunition for mocking the inevitable sequels.

And squeal they did, cheering each time the screen version of a beloved character made his first appearance. (I cheered when the car made its first appearance.) But the experience wasn't in vain and I'll now do my best to explain "Twilight" from the perspective of a not-quite 40something who doesn't necessarily shy away from pop culture aimed at teen girls.

There's this girl, about 16, from Phoenix but her mom is running off to spring training with her stepdad, who plays for a minor league baseball team. The girl, Bella, is getting shipped off to Forks, Washington to stay with her dad, the local chief of police. Bella's pretty, though a little stone-faced, and that's about all we really know about her. That may be about all there is to her. She's a little sullen about the move, but otherwise completely unaffected by her father's feeble attempts to welcome her, overeager classmates, and local yokels who remember her from childhood visits. She has no hobbies or interests. She's not the girl who's good at art, she doesn't play guitar, she's not the brainy girl who reads a lot or the quirky girl who dresses cool and listens to Death Cab. Yes, pretty, but not so pretty that she'd be recruited by the popular kids and torn between them and the geeks or wooed then dumped by the quarterback. 

So. Bella.

Then one thing happens, and this becomes the seed for Bella's sole defining characteristic: She sees the cool, mysterious, and even more sullen Edward Cullen, member of a clan of aloof and excessively pale foster kids being raised by the altruistic and fantastically wealthy Dr. Carlisle Cullen. 

I don't think I'm spoiling anything by divulging that they're a vampire coven, living in Forks because it's the most-frequently overcast town in North America.

What follows is standard comic book fare: The two meet, are instantly attracted, Edward withdraws but steps up in time to use his vampiric strength and speed to save Bella from an out of control car in the school parking lot. He later saves her again from a group of thugs. Bella snoops and eventually figures out Edward's big secret.

In fact, at its core, "Twilight" resembles a superhero movie told from the point of view of the love interest: powered guy puts it all on the line to save the unpowered girl he loves from the Big Bad. But it's the most uninteresting superhero movie ever made. Batman, Superman and Spider-Man all have their missions and motivations. Rachel Dawes, Lois Lane and Mary Jane are all characters bubbling over with personality and moxie. 

What kills "Twilight" is not the romantic elements—hell, "Superman Returns," "Spider-Man" and even "Dark Knight" were as romantic as Twilight. It's not the lame vampires who sparkle, rather than combust, in direct sunlight. It's not the bad special effects and unintentionally creepy makeup. Twilight's downfall is that it's really kind of safe and toothless, a movie more lifeless than its undead characters. The climactic fight scene is brief and poorly-photographed. Our would-be hero is getting his ass handed to him by the baddie until the rest of his family shows up, gangs up on bad vamp, and burns him. This is followed by a hurried prom scene with the sound mixed so badly the dialogue is unintelligible. 

Which is not to say it's a bad movie, it's just not a particularly good one. Kristen Stewart manages to make Bella watchable rather than unfathomably plain, but I can't say whether it's through acting, charisma, or anticipation that something of interest will eventually bubble up. This might also be because she's preferable to her non-vampiric high school peers, a pack of stereotypical and bothersome dopes with nothing greater than prom on their minds. 

Edward is nearly as vacuous as Bella, but manages to fill the emptiness with sulking, angst and a gloomy disposition. We do, at some point, learn he likes Debussy and he likes to drive fast.In 100-plus years on this planet he hasn't figured out a better survival technique than going to high school and he doesn't seem particularly adept at doing that. And that's about it.

Perhaps the idea is to make the core duo so abstract that the tweens and teens for whom "Twilight" is intended will project themselves and their crushes onto the characters. Perhaps, as someone who's read the books has told me, it's just bad writing. I can only wonder how author Stephanie Meyers managed to fill 544 pages with characters with no personalities and a plot that could easily be dismissed in a book half that size. (No, I haven't read the books and have no desire to do so.)

All we need to know about Edward and Bella is that they're hopelessly in love. Which is cute, I guess, but at the end of "Twilight," all I could really think was, "That's it? That's what all of this is about? What's the big deal?" There's nothing particularly new here, not even new twists on old themes. So how has this become a major pop-culture phenomenon, beloved by legions of girls and women of all ages? 

I have no idea.

Comments

[Holboll07]

Ok guys listen. I am one of these teenage girls, and let me just say,:
'you watched the film. So what? i watched the film too. and it was SHIT. but then i read the books and tbh they are incredible. i even think that a guy would learn to appreciate them. The first book, twilight, gives you heaps more about the characters and you really get to know all of them. You get more explanations and insights than the film. A hundredfold. So don't be so quick to judge, and just remember its also just the FIRST. There are three more that are more amazing than anything i could possibly expect. So pick up the books and be patient. you might be surprised. :)

[Lyn]

Oh yes. Devouring and worshiping are pretty much the same thing, when you're talking about hot vampires.
Why haven't I seen this movie yet?

[Lisa Bee]

Oh, Steve. Please ask Lyn for further clarification.

[stephen]

Torn between devouring her and worshiping her? As I suspected, I really don't know what girls' fantasies are like.

[Brill Bundy]

I like "Twilight" because it allows me to fondly reconnect with being a goofy 13-year-old girl. Because even if you're not a girly-girl (which I wasn't), when you're that age and pumped full of hormones you are given to a wildly imaginative fantasy life.

You men have no idea what it's like. Which is fine. We don't know what it's like to have been a teen boy at one time ... and that's probably all for the best.

[Lisa Bee]

Yeah, I think it's just bad writing.

It's bad writing, but chicks dig the core premise: pretty-but-average girl falls in love with impossible-to-attain, hunky tortured soul who is torn b/t devouring her and worshiping her.

I still don't know why I endured 550 of that godawful writing/character dev to get there, but there you have it.